Fighting Emotions... and colds... and a NEW HOPE

So as some of you know I lost my grandpa Harold this holiday season. He was 79. It's been a 4-5 year ordeal and I thought I was prepared for it. Alas I had a few bad days there of uncontrolable crying and emotions. I'm not one to get weak and it was really hard for me to allow myself to feel like that. I did however so I could get over this process to move onto better times in 2013.

In the mist of that I landed cold #3 just 2 weeks after the last cold. This one hit hard and fast and has lasted over 5 days. I think I'm through th worst of it now but the hazy air isn't helping my nagging cough. Isn't it funny that when you get sick everyone instantly thinks you are pregnant? ummm peeps I'm not throwing up, I have what half of utah has right now... chill!

Today is a good milestone. Today I go back into my amazing OBGYN to check on my blood pressure and since I've lost 15 more lbs then he expected me to in order to discuss fertility options... think we'll discuss that too! Duane and I have had some talks resently but last nights was wonderful. Day dreaming about our piggy tailed little girl or our overall wearing spikey haired little guy (both blonde blue eyed :))and how amazing it would be to actually concieve this year. I think that hope we both lost has returned in full force and we can see our bright future again. In hopes that maybe all this postive energy manifests into what we want. So stay tuned... I have some hard month ahead with hormone treatments and such, but if it results in a pregnancy it'll be worth it!

Tired of the toying scale

303, 302, 300.5

I can't seem to break the 300 mark. I know I know... I am so close and not to get discouraged now. I count every calorie. Work out. water water water.... I just can't seem to break it. I should be shedding weight like mad.

Some day... some day I will look back at this and laugh at my thoughts. I will not stop I will keep pushing thru.

Accepting and dealing with the cards you are dealt

Lately I have been thinking long and hard about all aspects of my life. I'm doing well with weight loss, I'm in a good marriage, I'm starting to get hope back that possibly someday I'll hold MY child, and Hudson is happy now.

It's true though that you always want more then what you are blessed with. You want a thinner body faster, You want a healthy baby of your own, You want excitment to happen in your life every day, you want a bigger better home, You want your debt to disappear, you want clothes that work with your body, you want you want you want.

How do we overcome the "wants" and be happy with the "what I haves"?

Someday I think that I need to address this addiction to "always wanting more" with a professional. People will tell me, "Just be thankful" or "Just put it out of your mind" or "Your time will come". It honestly feels like I do everything to be good and moral but yet see others rewarded that are bad and S#itheads. It isn't that easy when you have an addictive personality to just not be happy with what you don't have. I've seen addicition all my life as well through those close to me. I know when I need help and I know when to ask for it.

Maybe it's just human nature. Maybe no one is meant to feel "Whole" and that's the challenge god has put before me. I know I don't usually get this deep in thought but today I'm really reflective.

Marathon Week (not in a good way)

Let me run it down for you:

Monday: Mother in Laws Birthday at Cracker Barrel (Low carb menu :) )
Tuesday: Double Jazzercise classes (Didn't get in enough calories)
Wednesday: Rock Festival (Crap food but stayed within cals)
Thursday: Habitat for Humanity project (Crap food but stayed within cals)
Friday: Rehersal Dinner (For a wedding Duanes in)
Saturday: Lunch with aunts at Cheesecake factory and then the Wedding
Sunday: Nephews Birthday Party

How much more stuff can Sammie pack into her week? Ummmm I don't know and honestly I don't want to find out. So even though I'm keeping with in my calories I've not made the most sodium friendly choices this week. If tomorrow mornings weigh in is that I am the same weight and not more.... I'll be happy!

The Trifecta

Well, I've been debating blogging about this. I do feel however getting it out there in writing makes me more accountable for my actions.

As everyone knows I've been trying to have a baby for 3 years now. It's been a long difficult road.. Well I've been working with a new OB and he's run some follow up tests from last year as a follow up. My family has a history of high BP... well I guess it's finally catching up with me because mine has been on the rise for the last 2 years. So I am now on pregnancy safe (In case I do get pregnant ever) BP meds.

The next issue is I am at the prediabetic level. I had a feeling even cutting out soda and reducing candy wouldn't help since last year... I was really hoping it would. So I'm logging my calories on myfitnesspal app and .com. I'm able to add in columns such as sodium and sugars. Problem now is understanding how much sugars I can have in a day because pretty much per this tracker if I have 2 apples I'm over.

The last serious issue is elevated Cholesterol. Since all meds for this is not pregnancy friendly I have to control this via diet.

Good news is I've been doing Jazzercise 3-4 times a week since March and am feeling so much stronger. I have been logging my meals and such for a week and making myself accountable and have lost 6.5 lbs since last week. That means I'm in the 320's again. Per myfitnesspal if I keep up the path I'm on I should be possibly out of the 300's in mid to late fall... can't wait for that day!

"All Talk"

So last week I injured my back and really have hardly been able to move except the last 2 days. I’m going to try to get to a Jazzercise class tonight but I know I’ll have to watch it as I’m still sore and don’t want to risk further injury.

I say I’m “All Talk” because it seems like I know what I’m saying, I know what I need to do, yet, I don’t do it. I pick up that candy, I pick up that full sugary lemonade, and I don’t have self control. It’s funny when it had to do with a religious obligation like Lent I was able to give up that stuff for 40 days and then ofcourse easter rolled around and I thought “Hey you can have one peep, just calm down on it” yeah one turns into chocolate and so on. I honestly can NOT trust myself with this. When I make up my mind to not eat another stitch of candy I can do it… I’ve done it 2 years in a row for lent… but why does it feel like I’m mourning a loss with the thought of giving it up almost completely?

An addict has to give up what they are addicted to. Problem is I’m addicted to food and you HAVE to have food to survive. I know what I should be eating, how often, etc…. so why can’t I stop myself from grabbing a burger once a week or a pizza… argh

Excuses have been my life and when I set out on this year I said it was the year of change. Maybe I need to look into hyptnotisim as a means of changing

YTD: 1 Lb a month

So if you can see my tracker I've lost about a lb a month. Ouch. I keep going up and down and up and down. On the bright side IT'S A LOSS overall!

So there is a challenge with Jazzercise starting today. If me and a partner attend 60 days between now and July 31st we will earn Jazzercise tanks. Who doesn't like a trophy for free!! well sweat and exhaustion... But so worth it!

I am upping my classes from 3 to 4 a week starting Monday. I am also making small changes to my diet in order to #1 ensure I EAT BREAKFAST ( bad sammie) and also eat lighter more nutrient meals later in the day. With it being summer that won't be hard because all I want to eat is cold foods, fruits, and veggies. Last weekend I ate half a watermelon myself. Took me 3 days but yeah :P

I really want to lose at least 10 lbs this month. Which I do realize is twice what I've lost this year. I'm going to make it a daily mission to get there... starting with limiting candy to once a week and popcorn to once a week... can I do it.. Hellz yes!

On believing what my Husband tells me.... finally!

So, for a few weeks now my Husband has been telling me he can already see changes in my body, to not worry about what the scale says, so on and so forth. Do I beleive him... No, ofcourse I don't. I've been conditioned since I was little to only care about what the scale says. If the scale isn't going down then I'm not doing good thus I suck! Well... that thinking needs to change and change for good.

One of my favorate instructors told me she's already seeing me slim in... then my sister in law says it... then my own family. Guess what... it took all those people to convince me what my husbands been saying is true. That is sad that it took that many people. But I admit it and Duane, here it is in writing "You Were Right, and Thank You for Noticing!"

So today I looked in the loooong mirror at work. The one I'm always dreading, and I notice that my clothes are hanging... not struggling to breathe... on my body. So even though the scale has only gone down a few lbs the change is noticable and happening.

Nothing has stopped me from working out 3 plus times a week. I will beat my inner demons and gosh darn it, I look damn good at any size.

Peace out!