What do you do when...

You feel like your whole world around you is ending...

What I did was joined a weight loss competition to continue my journey. That's what I did. Be damned if I'm going to give up on myself and my desired future now.

The doc is running a bunch of tests on me to find out why I'm having issues conceiving and I told my husband that I am just plain tired of logging every little thing and trying so hard. So I need a new focus... something to bring me back to life. I am choosing me! It's selfish and I don't care. I deserve to be a smaller size. I deserve to be able to buy anything I want from a REGULAR store not a plus size store. AND I WILL GET THERE.

Kari was nice enough to tell me a statistic. 10% weight loss to cure diabetes and 10% weight loss to conceive. So I will try my hardest to reach what ever goal I need to so that I can conceive in a healthy way.

Continuing Journey

So this weekend I made a list of what we are having for breakfast, Lunch, and dinner all week. We went grocery shopping and stuck to that list. The only variance was veggies and fruit that we saw looked appealing.

I have to say that eating healthy does come at a cost. A cost to your wallet! Only half our cart was filled and it came up to about $120 in groceries when the week previous we spent 100 and had a full cart. But I guess that is what we need to do to become healthy!

So I know that the first week is always the hardest. So I will check back in next week with what we accomplished.

I also started writing a book on my weight loss experiences. I got 8 pages in on just the history till now last night. Of course more just notes and chicken scratches and I'll have to elaborate later, but it's a good start. I believe that anyone can benefit from my story just like I've benefited from so many others.

I won't even finish this book until after my total weight loss. Not even sure if I'll share it or get it published. I think for now it's more for me. More like a journal to understand why I keep coming back to this fat self and not just be happy with my skinny self.

I'm an expert at gaining weight

I've decided I'm an expert at gaining weight. What I'm not an expert at is losing it!

I seriously will gain 5-7 lbs in a week if all I do is not focus on myself. I allow myself to just eat when ever or not eat at all for certain meals. I will munch more at night then I do in the morning. All bad things. I also allow myself to do 0 physical activity other then clean the house because I claim to be "Exhausted".

I know this is something that we all go through. The ups and downs of weight loss. I just feel bad when there is always a family function or friends function and there is food. They wonder why you aren't eating and pretty much make you feel guilty for being on a diet. Temptation is a bitch!

Food right now is something that controls me not me controlling it!

Summer... oh sweet summer!

I love summer.... you wana know why?

FRUIT!!! and all you can eat of it!

I love watermellon and cantlope. I love honey dews and strawberries... Man I'm in heaven right now there's some in my fridge! I swear if I lived in a place that this was avalible all year long I would be so skinny because I can totally eat nothing but fruit and be happy the rest of my life!

Happy Summer everyone!

Yeah it's true, giving up is easier

So they say that giving up is easier then actually doing something. I believe that to be true. My whole life I have given up on my weight loss for other things. That is how I got this big.

So I have to ask myself. Am "I" not worth it. Is my "life" not worth the trying?

Each day I find my self trying to save my life, but in some ways I just don't see myself succeeding like I used to in the past. I know that I self sabotage. Maybe I'm up too many hours in the day that's why I'm always starving at 10 PM. I don't know. But I will die trying to figure it out. My body seems to be the damn davinci code or something. There has got to be a healthy balance.. no drastic diets... moderate exercise... please = results!!!